Van Pelt's View
by Idy Adler
Summary: Random story I wrote while I should've been asleep. Van Pelt babbling on about Jisbon, and a bunch of other stuff.


I don't really know what this is. Haha. Just some random story I wrote up at like four in the morning. It might as well be a crackfic.

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**van pelt's p.o.v. ~**

Teasing is a very common way of flirting.  
If you and the person you like are still in grade school, that is.  
Teasing almost always ends in love. You see it all the time on TV and in movies. Boy meets girl. Boy doesn't like girl. Boy teases girl. Boy likes girl. Boy teases girl more. Girl likes boy. Girl teases boy. Girl and boy tease each other. Girl and boy fall in love. Girl and boy live happily ever after. The End. Fairytale ending!

Of course, they call it fiction for a reason. It's_ fiction_. It's not real.

Right?

It had to be fake. Nothing is ever crystal clear and set in stone like that. Everything had a downside, everything had its imperfections. There's no absolute formula for love. There are too many variables involved for it to be possible.

It had to be just fiction, because if the_ girl + boy + teasing = love _equation was correct, Jane and Boss would have gotten married ages ago.

And they aren't married. The closest thing they have to marriage is how Jane brings the boss her coffee every morning. But they-

"_Van Pelt!_"  
The boss' stern voice snapped me out of my little daze. I jumped a bit in my chair, startled.  
"Did you hear what I said?"  
Oh crap, what had she been talking about?  
"No, Boss. Sorry.."  
"I asked you to take these files to the basement."  
Lisbon lay her finger on a cardboard box filled with papers. "Please."  
"Um, sure thing. Boss." I stood up, grabbed the box with one hand, and headed out of the room.

My mind sunk back into deep-thinking mode as I walked down the hall towards the elevator. _Please?_ Lisbon was either really tired today, or really cranky.  
The boss had been my boss for about three years now, and I couldn't recall the last time she used the word 'please'. Not like Lisbon was an impolite person or anything. That role belonged to Jane.

It's just that she always seemed to be the one in command. Oh wait, that made her sound bossy. Let me rephrase..

Teresa Lisbon was always the leader. She gave directions, and people followed them. She was the boss. And a very good boss, too. She always knew what to do. People usually did what she told them to do the first time she asked, so there was never a need for her to use the word 'please.'

The only time she used the word, I guessed, was when redheaded junior agents zoned out and started thinking about delusional things like formulas for love. Yeah, that must be it.

The only person that ever dared to defy Lisbon's orders and live to tell the tale was Patrick Jane. The consultant. And Jane defied her orders on a daily basis.

Which brings me back to Jisbon.  
Jane + Lisbon, if you're not familiar with the portmanteaus. Rigsby came up with it.

On the outside, Lisbon always seemed to hate Jane. Jane seemed to just simply enjoy annoying her. But everyone could tell that they enjoyed each other's company. Most of the time, anyway.

The only reason Jane even joined the team was because of Red John. The only thing he had expected to do was find _Red John_. He hadn't accomplished that yet. In my opinion, though, Jane got more than he signed up for. He got a family.  
Yeah it's a weird (and probably really screwed up) one, but I thought of the unit as a little family.  
Lisbon was the mother, always in charge. Cho was the big tough older brother. Rigsby was the younger brother (not like he isn't tough or anything, he just fits as the younger one). I was the sister. And of course Jane was the immature toddler who also happened to be a genius.  
Hightower could be the mean bossy grandmother that drops in every once in a while to ruin everything.  
No offense to her, of course.

There was a ding as the elevator doors opened. I stepped inside.  
The elevator was empty with the exception of myself. I didn't mind. I actually liked it that way. I don't like being in small enclosed spaces with strangers. Situations like that always made me feel a tad awkward.  
People say I'm kind of high strung. I don't really know. It's hard to judge your own character.

The only sound present inside the elevator was the sound of my foot tapping against the floor. There was no elevator music. I didn't mind, because I found elevator music kind of creepy.  
At one time there had been music in the elevator, but one day it just disappeared. I figured the boss had it removed because it irritated her.

I eventually reached the basement.  
I found the right aisle, the right shelf, and the right ladder.  
If you used the wrong ladder, there was a big chance you'd lose your balance and fall. And break something. Or die.  
I kept telling everyone that the basement needed a new ladder. But no one really came down there me, so they didn't really care all that much.

After the box of files was carefully put away, I made my way back up to the bullpen.  
Lucky me, I got back just in time to see the Lisbon fireworks.

"JANE!" was the first thing I heard when the elevator doors opened. Judging by the volume, I could tell he had done something crazy again. I quickly made my way into the bullpen so that I wouldn't miss out on anything.

The boss was stomping out of her office, looking pretty darn intimidating. She was the shortest out of all of us, but the look she had on her face made her seem three times Rigsby's height.  
Lisbon made a beeline for the blonde man relaxing on the sofa. He smiled at her, as if he was enjoying her rage. Well, actually, he _was _enjoying her rage.

_Boy likes girl. Boy teases girl. _

Lisbon towered over Jane as he sat up straight on the sofa. "Hey, Lisbon! What brings you here?"

I pretended to work on some papers, and watched them out of the corner of my eye. I could tell Cho was doing the same thing. Rigsby just plain old stopped what he was doing and watched them like they were a movie.

The boss jabbed a finger in the direction of her office. "Patrick Jane, would you mind telling me what that_ thing_ in my office is?"

Jane put on a smile that could beat out the Cheshire Cat's. "Why, it's your new pet, of course! Or your new child, if you'd like to see it that way."

I immediately looked up towards the boss' office. _Pet? Child?_

Had Jane gotten Lisbon another pony? She hadn't been so mad about it last time.

"Jane, you're taking that thing back."  
"Don't refer to it as a 'thing', Lisbon. It has feelings, you know. And I can't just take it back."  
"Well, do something with it!"  
The boss retreated to her office, with Jane at her heels. I could tell he was having fun.

"What do you think that 'thing' is?" Rigsby asked as soon as the office door was closed.  
"Maybe another pony?" I suggested.  
It was unlikely. Jane never played the same trick twice.  
"Maybe it's a monkey this time. What do you think, Cho?"  
Cho didn't look up from his computer. "Raccoon," he stated nonchalantly.

We all continued to do our work, glancing at the boss' office from time to time. Nobody had a clue what kind of prank Jane had pulled.

A few minutes passed, and Jane poked his head outside. "Hey everybody, come look!"  
We all wasted no time rushing into the boss' office.

Lisbon was sitting on the couch Jane usually occupied. Her arms were crossed and she looked quite irritated.  
Later though, she'll look back at this, shake her head, and laugh.

Jane was peering inside a cardboard box that sat on her desk. The smile that never went away was present on his face. "Look!"  
We all gathered around the box.  
I let out a tiny gasp of surprise as I saw what was inside.

It was a baby duck. And judging by how there was an eggshell in one corner, it had just hatched.  
The little yellow ball of fuzz sat in the middle of the box, staring up at our faces. How could Lisbon be so mad about something this angelic?  
"It's adorable," I said.

"The mother is still in denial," Jane replied, glancing over at Lisbon.  
"It_ imprinted_ on me," the boss said with a huff.  
She got up and stood next to Jane. The duckling immediately waddled in her direction.  
"What's that mean?" Rigsby put his hand in the box, and the little bird pecked at it.  
"It means that the duck thinks its a human," Cho said. "And Lisbon's its mother."  
Rigsby raised his eyebrows and held back a chuckle. Our boss was the mommy of a baby duck.  
"Jane screwed it up," the boss said as she poked the duckling. "Its going to die if I put it back in the wild. And I don't want you people holding duck murder against me. So.."

"You're keeping him?" I sounded a bit too enthusiastic.  
"I guess." Lisbon pet the duck on the head.  
"It's going to follow you around until you die, you know," Cho said in monotone.  
"Don't remind me. On the other hand, Jane owes me."  
"Jane already owes you. A lot."  
"Well now he owes me even more."

Jane just kept on smiling. I wonder if his smiling muscles ever get tired.  
"What are you going to name him?" Rigsby asked.  
"It looks like a girl to me," said Cho.  
"Name it something that could be both," I told the boss.

She thought for a bit, and a little smirk spread across her face. "Lady Gaga."  
Rigsby let out a little snort of laughter, Cho nodded agreeingly, and Jane kept smiling. "That's perfect," he said.

I thought it was a little mean. Lady Gaga was an excellent musician, even if she was a little.. strange.  
But I also found it pretty amusing.

And so, as the result of one of Jane's shenanigans, Lisbon became the owner (and mother) of a duck named Lady Gaga.  
I never really understood why she had been so angry at Jane about it. But then again, the boss tended to overreact a lot. Maybe she was afraid of Hightower finding out there was a duck in her building. Hightower liked to overreact, too.

I rethought about the whole _girl + boy + teasing = love_ thing. What if it did apply to the boss and Jane? Maybe they just hadn't reached the love part yet. The equation was far more complicated than it seemed. But I had a feeling they'd reach the solution sometime in the future.

Anyways, teasing = flirting = loveee. And I guess duck-gifting counts as teasing. So.. duck = love? I don't know.

Some things in the universe are just too complicated.

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^THIS STORY IS SO WEIRD

For those of you who don't know who Lady Gaga is, she's a loony pop singer who dresses funky. She is also very, very awesome.  
People keep saying she's a he-she. Which is ridiculous, but it makes the joke in the story funny.


End file.
